SMS Jokes.

[rick s]

Loads of jokes blagged from usenet:


1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of
them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The
shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too
high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussell.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
heat it too.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc
says "I'll give you some cream for that."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That's like Tom Jones syndrome.
'Is it common? '
"It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at
him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me
a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad, or
my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its
Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other
one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was
nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[collette]

A wife arrived home and found her husband in bed with another woman.

With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him out of the house, into the tool shed in their back yard and put his penis in a vice.

Securing it tightly and removing the handle of the vice, she then picked up a hacksaw.

Terrified, her husband screamed, "Stop! Please! You aren't going to cut it off, are you?"

Placing the saw in her husband's hand and with a gleam of revenge in her eye, the wife replied, "Of course not! I'm going to set fire to the shed. You do whatever you have to do!

[slick]

So what happened then?

[aliensyndm]

He probably loosened the vice and then fucked off outside and cut her tits off

[conanthelibrarian]

A burglar is in a darkened living room when he hears a voice from behind.

"Jesus is watching you"

He turns around and shines his torch and spots a parrot in a cage.

Stunned he asks the parrot it's name. " Coco" the bird replies.

"Thats a stupid name for a parrot" the burglar replies.

"Not half a stupid as Jesus for a rotweiller"

[thet10002001]

In the paper it said "Please look after ur neighbours in the cold weather". My neighbour is an 87yr old Asian woman & not once has she come round 2 check if im ok. The lazy cu*nt hasn't even taken in her milk 4 2 weeks!

[slick]

I was thrown out of a "Muslim Lap Dancing Club" last night!!!

All I said was...........

.

.

.

.

.

"Get yer face out for the lads!!!"

[slick]

DON'T PANIC YOUR SAFE!!! Bernard Matthew's is only killing young birds with firm breasts.

[andeeeee]

the WAG`s have opened a new shop . its called nomarks and spenders

[slick]

2 men - 1 is up a 320ft tightrope the other is getting a blowjob off a 83yr old woman, what have they both got in common?
.
.
.
Both are too fcuking scared to look down.....

[Winrew]

I called at the cash machine tonight , this old dear asked if i could check her balance , i nudged her and she fell over

[slick]

fcuk off Wins as thats one of mine, check back far enough and you'll find it in this thread.
Anymore like that and you'll get a reputation like me for repeat posings.

[slick]

Seen the latest Camera from Japan?
Its shutter speed is so fast it can catch a woman with her mouth closed!!!

[slick]

Anne nicole smiths cause of death has just been announced.........
she died of a massive jugs overdose !!!!

[collette]

woman walks into a bar and orders the best champagne, then lifts her skirt and pours it over her pussy. "why you do that?" asks barman.She replies "I've just won the lottery,and that's the only cnut I'm sharing it with!"