SMS Jokes.

[slick]

Post up your favourite or new sms jokes, Some crackers out there i'm sure so lets hear them.

I'll start the ball rolling........

Police have found a body
Police have found a body in the river: Saggy boobs, false teeth, spots, cellulite, and a fa**y like a bucket. Text me so i know you are alright.

[A:I]

Nice one slick! Glad to ya on MSE as well! look out for me on mse, i'm A:I on there as well.

[slick]

Will do A:I and welcome to The Daily Punt.

heres a similar one but may be slightly dated now......

Somat large & whale like has been seen swimming in the thames, are u ok or do u need a towel???......

[slick]

Not really a sms joke as its to long but i found it very funny..


PLEASE BE WARNED!
>
>
> I don't how many of you shop at Tesco, but this may be useful to know.
>
> I am sending this to you to warn you of something that happened to
> me, as I have become a victim of a clever scam whilst out shopping.
>
> This happened to me at Tesco's in Oldham and it could happen to you.
>
> Here's how the scam works:
>
> Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as
> you are packing your shopping in the boot. They both start wiping your
> windscreen with a rag and Windolene, with their breasts almost falling
> out of their skimpy t-shirts.
>
> It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip,
> they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Tesco.
>
> You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having
> sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and
> performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
>
> I had my wallet stolen last Friday, Saturday, twice on Sunday, again on
> Tuesday, and also yesterday.
>
> Don't let this happen to you.

[Bigkegman]

Wish I had read this first before going shopping Slick - the bassa's got me too.........

[old_saint]

Where did you drop the girls BKM?

[slick]

cheap beer!!!!
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 pence."

"1 pence?!" exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, "Yes."

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a salad?"

"Certainly sir," replies the barman, "but i only take cash."

"How much money?" inquires the man.

"Four pence," he replies.

"Four pence?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The barman replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business." <<<<<

[twinkle]

Gave me a laugh whilst I'm feeling sorry for myself with a cold

[hurrah]

Guy went into record shop and said to assistant
"have you got any thing by the DOORS".

Assistant replied Fire Blanket and Bucket of Sand!!!!
__________________________________________________ _

Loved your Tesco one slick.

[slick]

Sol Campbell has issued a "come and get me " plea to Charlton boss Alan
Curbishley after hearing their scorers the other night were Young and
Bent.

[slick]

Heres a bit of a sick one..

Simon Weston and Nikki lauda have gone into partnership to create a bran new website where like wise people can meet up and chat It's called "Friends Reignited".

[ONEDUNME]

[slick]

A HUSBAND HIRES A HITMAN TO KILL HIS WIFE AND ASKS HIM HOW HE WILL DO IT..THE HITMAN SAYS "IM GONNA SHOOT HER 1cm BELOW HER LEFT BREAST"
THE MAN REPLIES



















"FCUK OFF I WANT HER DEAD NOT KNEECAPPED"

[slick]

Bear,lion & chicken r talking about who's the hardest. Bear says "When I growl, the whole forest shakes". Lion says "When I roar, the whole jungle trembles". Chicken says "Well all I did was sneeze & the whole world shat itself.

[slick]

A bit tame for my liking bet here u go...


What do you have if there are 100 rabbits standing in a row and 99 take a step back?
A receding hare line.


What did the elephant say to the naked man?
''It's nice, but can it pick up peanuts?''


How do you make a cat be a dog?
Pour petrol on it and light it with a match. It will go 'WOOF.'


Why did Beethoven kill his chicken?
It kept saying ''Bach, Bach, Bach...''


Q. What kind of bees make the best milk?
A. Boo-bees!


Why'd the chicken cross the road?
To show the blonde how!


Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.


Q: What do you get when you cross a raven with a mad dog?
A: A ravin lunatic.


How many blondes does it take to milk a cow?
Five -- one to hold the udder, and four to lift and the cow up and down.


How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?


Why did the turtle Cross the road?
To get to the ''Shell'' station!


Q: What do you get if you cross a bear with a toilet?
A: Winnie the Pooh!


How do you kill a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a pink elephant?
Hold its trunk until it goes blue and the shoot it with a blue elephant gun.


What's the difference between a woman and dog at your front door?
The dog will stop barking once you let it in!


Birdie, birdie in the sky
Dropped some white stuff in my eye,
I'm a big girl I won't cry,
I'm just glad that cows don't fly.


What does a fish use to get high?
Seaweed!


Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn't matter, he's not going to come anyway.


How do you compliment a donkey?
''Hey, nice ass!''


Q: Why do blonde peoples dogs have flat noses?
A: From chasing parked cars...


How do you get a hundred cows in a barn?
You hang up a bingo sign!


A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "May I help you, sir?"
The duck says, "Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass."


What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
Bacon and legs!


I wish I was a glow worm.
A glow worm's never glum.
It's hard to be downhearted, When the sun shines out your bum!


Q: What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedghog?
A: A six-foot toothbrush.


Q: What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day?
A: I'm bacon!


Why did the moron throw the butter out the window?
He wanted to see a butterfly.


What do you get when you cross an elephant and kangaroo together?
Giant holes all over Africa!


Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Because he was stuck to the chicken's bottom.