Glasgow joke

[madaxeman]

A bloke walks into the Casino bar. He is immacculately dressed and the epitome of style, but the barman can't help noticing that he has a giant orange in place of a head.
Brunettes stare at him rather curiously but the blondes stare at him with an affection that is far more than the merely curious.

He goes up to the bar and orders a drink. The barman duly obliges and the bloke flips a gold krugerrand at him saying in an honestly casual manner "Keep the change my friend."

"Excuse me sir .." says the barman "but this is a krugerrand .. are you sure you want me to keep the change?"

"Aye .. nae bother mate." and then leans forward and whispers "I don't like broadcasting it, but I've got literally millions of them. Keep it quiet though .. I don't like the attention"

Gratefull the barman thanks him and now only wishing to help the bloke in any way he can he leans forward and whispers "I don't know if Sir is aware of this, but you do realise you've got a giant orange instead of a head?"

"Aye .. ah know," says the bloke, "Ah've had it for years."

"Would it be rude to ask how you came to have it, Sir?" whispers the barman.

"Naw, not at all. You see, one day I was clearing out my attic when I found an old brass lamp. I gave it a rub and a beautiful genie appeared and granted me three wishes. So ah immediately wished for a million krugerrands, and "BANG!!!" ma attic was filed with stacks and stacks of boaxes aw full o' gold coins.

"Then I wished to be atractive to all blondes. The genie waved her hand and, even if ah dae say so ma'sel, blondes canny keep their hot, dirty little mitts aff ma boady"

"I see sir .." said the barman, fully enthralled by the story so far "and what happened then?"

"Well then - and I dae still feel like a bit of a arsehole aboot this - I wished fur a giant orange for a heid."

[Seen]

[keemanan]

[Winrew]

[ONEDUNME]

and they say the Scottish don't have a sense of humour eh?

[CPFC]

Man walks intae a cake shop, says whit’s that in the windae, is that a cake or a meringue? Wee wifie says no ye’re right enough, it’s a cake.

[ONEDUNME]

I actually get that one. The first one baffles me.

Here's another..

What's a hindu

Lay eggs

[CPFC]

Reminds me of this one...

A man walks into a GP's surgery in Glasgow "Doctor, Doctor! He cries, "You've got to help me, I feel like I'm turning into coconut"


The doctor says "You're bountae"

[ONEDUNME]

We're one step away from the Walt Disney joke

[CPFC]

I wonder which variation will appear first ?

Did you hear the one about the London criminal who fell foul of the Glasgow Mafia?

Apparently they made him an offer he couldn't understand.

[Winrew]

Bing sings...... etc etc...

[Tom Sawyer]

a wee glesga bird thinks she is pregnant and goes to the doctors
doctor asks if she has had a check up
wee bird replies, no it was a indian waiter.

[Tom Sawyer]

wee watty fae glesga makes the olympic team,
at the games a big german asks if he is a pole vaulter,
wee watty replies no iam scottish,but how did you
know my name was walter.

[slick]

come on then spill the beans, somebody plse explain that first joke.

[slick]

well that was silly of me, I put the punch line in google and ended up back in this thread