Today's TV listings.............

[Tom]

06:00 *Breakfast with Robert Mugabe* (Topical chat, news and the
"Spot the machete" competition.)
09:15 *Sponge-Bob and Spit-Roast* (Cartoon about the hilarious
antics of a boy made out of sponge and a gang of Eastern
European sex workers)
11:30 *Crap in the Attic* (A well known antiques expert visits
a member of the public, gains entry to their home, goes
up into the attic - has a crap, and leaves) *repeat
12:30 *Very Loose Women* (Four middle aged ladies host a chat
show, after first being force fed laxatives for three days)
Competition to guess which one will follow through first
starts at 12:35. Calls cost £1 or press the brown button)
13:30 *Mmmmlllaaarrrr! she wrote* (Jessica Mongson accidentally
gets the cork off the end of an item of kitchen cutlery
and stabs herself in the forehead and therefore has to
investigate her own murder)
14:30 *How clean is your orphanage?* (Our two favourite expert
cleaning ladies visit Romania and go tut-tut-tut when they
find some dead kids stuck behind the oven in the kitchen)
15:30 *Popstar to Crackhead* (Following Jimmy Osmonds departure
after a hoofing great snort of charlie, the five remaining
contestants are tempted to try an assortment of Class "A"
recreational products)
16:30 *Come Dogging with me* (This weeks contestants all come from
Milton Keynes, and they each have to score one another for
the £1,000 prize. First out in the multi-storey car park is
Doris "Super-Dogger" Johnson, a professional hairdresser and
volunteer sperm bank.)
17:30 *How to look good - dead* (This week, Gok Wan digs up Michael
Jackson and gives him a shampoo and set, some nice skin-tight
lycra shorts and a pink tank-top)
18:30 *Extreme Uckers with Robson Green* (The actor gets into a game
with Peter Sutcliffe and must decide if his up-board manoeuvre
will be rewarded with a hidden Stanley blade getting jabbed
into his eyeballs)
19:30 *International Wheelchair Drag Racing* (Live from Runway 3 at
Manchester Airport). What happens when a wheelchair is
accelerated from 0 to 280 mph in four seconds? Contains
flash photography.
20:30 *Through the Arse-Hole* (Introduced by Sir David Frost).
Tonights celebrity panel have to decide which other famous
celebrity has had a hospital camera shoved up his/her rectum
whilst being given "clues" by Lloyd Grossman.
21:30 *Relocation,Relocation,Relocation* (Phil Spencer meets Albert
Crutchington, who has just been put on the sex offenders list
and therefore requires to sell his house in London and move
somewhere like Thailand...or Vietnam...or anywhere they don't
know him)
23:00 *The Joseph Fritzl Show* (Tonights guests say "Hello son, you're
mother is my daughter and I'm your Grandad and brother as well.
Shock DNA results!)
00:01 to 06:00
*1980's Pornographic videos for the deaf*. (Watch that little bloke
in the bottom right hand corner of the screen try to mime a
blow job)

[slick]

, is that all your work Tommo or have you nicked it from somewhere, I actually came on this thread to give you a rollicking for being sat on your arse all day watching telly while I'm at work , Till i spotted 'through the arse-hole' and thought hold on a sec, thats not right.

[Tom]

Not my work Slick but shamelessly nicked from the web !!

Sat on my arse? I should be in Wroclaw in Poland right now but missed fcuking flight didn't i !! Was out with a woman last night and got to bed about 01.30 set the alarm for 04.30 woke up, turned it off then thought i'll just have two more minutes, fatal, woke up at 7am flight leaves Liverpool at 9.00am. que back to sleep !!

Flight was only £2 so not much lost.