TDP Member Farts

[Kipper]

Hello. I am a fart lover and collector of fine farts. I like modern farts, abstract farts, surrealist farts, everything really. Now, I'm sure among the Daily Punt members we have a few budding Vincent Van Guffs, Bottismellis, even the odd Tony Fart and I'd very much like to add your farts to my collection.

Kompressaur, I imagine your farts to be quite raspy and rancid with possible follow through. ONEDUNME, yours will be short and dry while Peter Orchard's will no doubt be odourless. Kiko, your farts, I think you will fart often and they will be extremely varied in smell and sound. MickeyPaul's will be rapid little whistles and Seen, he I believe will pass some blood with his. Beanie is obviously a lover of fine farts and his will be text book parps with an inoffensive scent. Swooperman and GETT1NLOTS with their mighty buttocks, their farts will be like giant timpani and could blast the leaves from a tree. I could go on all day here, I'm so passionate lol.

There are various ways these days to record sound so I am hopeful of getting a few. Most often I use my mobile phone with it's built in sound recorder, mainly because I always have it on me and I find it picks up the real spirit, the essence of the fart, rather well. Anything you have will suffice though.

Would you believe it! Normally I create a nice fart every couple of minutes and I was sure in the time I'd written the first few lines of this post that I would have at least one to share with you. Please forgive me but I promise I will post mine up soon as I have captured one at least. Hopefully you will take something from my farts and don't worry if you don't fully understand them. Just enjoy them.

[MickeyPaul]

Ehhhhm, I don'd mind adding mine to your collection. They aint bloody whistly though. Very powerful in fact and I bet I can do a longer one than anyone else. I once farted the first few notes of the pink panther theme. I aint kidding.

[kompressaur]

and Seen, he I believe will pass some blood with his

class Kipper.

I dont fart would you believe. I gave up farting. Just forgot about doing it. I aint farted for as long as i can remember. Nah i do still fart. Arrghh i dunno if i do or not. I'll listen out.

Bigkegman does beefy ones ive heard btw and Crowie or Old Saint could probably confirm this. I usued to like playing basketball with my farts and slam dunking them in peoples faces

I have definetly gave up actively trying to smell my farts but i think its to do with some belief that it was the cause of my headaches about 10 years ago. To think of how much pleasure it would give me. I still remember the smell which was half fart half palm.

I think ive gave up farting as i could shit myself too easy due to always having food poisoning as my hands are always scratching at my sweaty crutch.

[MickeyPaul]

I think ive gave up farting as i could shit myself too easy

It must be like Russian roulette, Komp.

[FC Basher]

Hello Kipper,I suppose yours will be wet ones with you being a fish and all

[kompressaur]

I wouldnt wanna smell them George i think. Never really smelt a fishy fart before but it think i can imagine it.

Its not like Russian roullette Mick as i dont fart

[Kipper]

Hello George. It's all about mood and expressing yourself. When I am happy I fart happy farts. When I am sad, my farts reflect my sadness and so on. The muscles that control everything are under your control but they are also influenced by subtle changes in mood. A fart of fear will often come out like a terrified shriek and to fart while laughing, well, the farts sometimes mimic your laughter. I think of them as alive in the same way as great painters think of their paintings as having life. I've stop short of naming each one though. lol

[FC Basher]

Komp/Mickey

I personally would say i'm the "Heinz57" of the fart world,various sounds and smells.My fav fart is one are the silent ones,they are deadly,its your playing The Hitman with a silencer.Dont like Indian Farts,the ones after a curry,as they hurt my bum cheeks

Kipper,never a trurer word spoken,you sure Know your farts.
Welcome to the forum,what a nice bloke

[Kipper]

Thank you George. I used to attend fart school. I'm still waiting for one I can record and post and this is most puzzling. I may have farters block or perhaps the pressure of being in the limelight has scared the little critters off. It's best not to push them too hard. I do still want you all to post yours up as I am genuine and really would appreciate it.

[kompressaur]

im just imagining you with a capachony of farts surrounding you on your comp George.

Ive never really thought about fish farting. suppose they must. One of the first science lessons a young man gets is finding it amazing that farts still smell even if you do them underwater in the bath.

My funniest fart time was the time i was staying with the ex and i was trying to prove to her that i was a new man and that i would start doing the dishes now and again. As i was at the sink washing them i dropped a dish towel on the floor and she naturally went to pick it up as her new man had wet hands etc. As she bent over i farted right in her face and at the same time fell on the kitchen floor in laughter. The timing and noise was class. She just proceded to kick me and never laughed about it for a while.

Once she asked me to make her a cup of tea as i was up one morning. I couldnt be bothered so took her an empty cup back and put it by the bed knowing that it would be 5 minutes till she got up to drink it. I was back in bed and half asleep sniggering as i felt her move her pillows up and get her cigs ready for her nice morning cup of tea who she think i am her skivvy?

[FC Basher]

Kipper
Heres a pair of farts,hopes it helps in bring yours out

[kompressaur]

Just a quick reminder George that you missed week one of the tipster Challenge. Im 3rd in the Premier as am bloody great at this picking football teams lark and your all shite thats why your all below me

[Kipper]

lol Lovely George.

For those who are interested in the science of farts then here is a site that tries to answer all your questions. It's very good.

http://www.heptune.com/farts.html

[FC Basher]

Komp that bird story was hilarious,I even let one go while I was reading it,it was only a little puff mind.

Thanks for the reminder Komp,err I dont think im below you,ive kicked clear
1.Berwick 35pts
2.Stenhousmuir 28pts


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[kompressaur]

Fcuk off George